The Common Gearhead

As promised, but surprising nonetheless, here is the second installment of HUUCBOTW right on time! This week, we turn our attention to our socialist neighbors from the phallic north (seriously, Scandinavia looks like a gentleman’s sausage).

The Swedes are famous for many things: pickling fish for the hell of it, making delicious meatballs, IKEA, and churning out beautiful blonde women (just ask my girlfriend). One thing they are not famous for, with the exception of Koenigseggomelettewithcheese(?), are performance automobiles. But fear not, fellow gearheads! With these two sleeper sedans, you too can have all the performance your little heart desires, all wrapped up in a highly unconventional and unreliable Swedish design.

These sultry Swedes will pickle your fish in a heartbeat, because underneath their comfortable, quirky skin lies the pulsating heart of an… ice lion? I don’t know, I’m not really familiar with Scandinavian fauna. Either way, which one would you have?

2000 Saab 9-3 Viggen – $6,000

The Saab 9-3 Viggen is a version that nobody knows about of a car that not many people like, barring college professors and hipsters who dress like professors. It is Saab’s “hot” 9-3, named for their 37 Viggen fighter jet. Yes, Saab is originally famous for making jets, which is slightly scary because if the jets are made with mid 90s GM parts as well, then I suggest you stay indoors until all the pieces have fallen from the sky and it’s safe to walk around.

But, much like a jet, this car is fast. It packs a 2.3L 4-cylinder making 225 hp with 20 psi of boost from its turbo. The turbo is the important bit here, because all forced induction Saabs have a boost gauge on the dash. That’s right, a boost gauge. Check out how much boost I got, bro. Another Saab quirk is the transmission-tunnel-mounted ignition, which is very fighter-jet-esque. You may knock the keys out of the ignition while shifting gears vigorously, but at least you’ll get to live your dream as a fighter pilot vicariously through your Saab… bro.

Unfortunately, this ground bound war machine is front-wheel-drive only, and with 225 hp on tap, that’s a recipe for massive torque steer. Hit the gas pedal with your hands off the wheel, and you’ll end up somewhere in the middle of Stockholm before you know it.

To check out the cars.com ad for this car, click here.

2004 Volvo S60 R – $6,999

I have a special place in my heart for Volvos. My first car was a 1999 S70 which I lovingly named “Lucille,” and my sister stupidly renamed “Fred.” But as much as I loved Lucille/Fred, she/he was wrought with maintenance issues, to the point where the check engine light was permanently on, presumably because the car was hungry for some herring.

But Volvo didn’t just build unreliable bricks at the turn of the millennium, they also built fast unreliable bricks. The S60 R is an all-wheel-drive, turbocharged, 5-cylinder rocket putting out 296 hp and 300 lb-ft of torque. Why a 5 cylinder, you ask? Because even number cylinders are so rest-of-the-world and not fun at all. It’s like an ABBA song, but it’s a car and it isn’t terrible. And even more importantly, it has Volvo seats, meaning your Swedish meatballs will be more comfortable in this thing than in any other car on the planet.

Despite its notorious unreliability, it’s the cheapest, fastest, AWD car you can buy, making it, in my opinion, a pretty Swede deal! (I apologize deeply for the previous pun.)

To check out the cars.com ad for this car, click here.

Which one would you choose?