Welcome to another installment of HUUCBOTW, where everything is made up and the points don’t matter! This week, we turn our attention to the suit-wearing bluetooth-using douchebag special: the luxury SUV!
I apologize if I offended any luxury SUV owners in the introduction. Everyone knows luxury SUVs aren’t driven exclusively by douchebags. They’re also driven by rich housewives and overpaid athletes.
If anyone from outside of the US could pick one type of vehicle to signify our great nation, it would be a big ol’ pickup truck. But if they could pick two vehicles, the other would be a luxury SUV. More space and more dinosaur juice has become all but synonymous with America, and our two contenders this week exemplify that mantra perfectly! Well, except for the fact that they’re made by British and German companies, but who’s counting?
Luckily, thanks to the wonders of exponential depreciation of luxury vehicles, these two butt-hauling beauties can be had for less than $10K! Unluckily, the inevitable weekly repair bills will cost you more than Donald Trump pays his hairstylist to keep him looking young and beautiful.
So grab your briefcase, your spoiled kids, and/or your latest contract from the Miami Heat and pick your favorite luxury SUV!
2004 Porsche Cayenne S – $9,995
BLASPHEMY! SACRILEGE! SWEET BRAND-WHORING MOTHER OF DEUTSCHLAND! Now that I’ve gotten all of my enthusiast-required Cayenne hate out of the way right off the bat, I can tell you a little bit about Porsche’s first SUV.
The Cayenne was introduced in 2004, much to the chagrin of Porsche brand purists. Despite the fact that it was their first foray into SUV territory and was therefore unproven, the Cayenne sold like hotcakes to people who wanted an SUV but also wanted to say very smugly to inferior scum that they drive a Porshhhhh.
The Cayenne S was pushed along by a 340 hp and 310 lb-ft V8, getting it to 60 in 7.1 ticks of the clock. Being a Porsche from the early 2000s, it was more complicated and expensive to fix than that 100 year old grand piano in your ballroom. I believe replacing the spark plugs went as follows: 1) Open hood. 2) Remove engine. 3) Do the hokey pokey. 4) Have a bit of bratwurst and sauerkraut. 5) Turn yourself around. 6) ??? 7) Replace engine.
But if you wanted to drive a Porshhhh but you couldn’t live without the ability to run over basically anything you please, then the Cayenne was what it’s all about. (Wink wink).
To see the Cars.com ad for this car, click here.
2004 Land Rover Range Rover HSE – $9,999
The Land Rover Red Rover Red Rover Send Range Rover Right Over has long been regarded as the pinnacle of luxury SUVs. Each new model is supremely comfortable, stylish, and incredibly capable off road. Unsurprisingly, however, the vast majority of Range Rovers have never seen unpaved terrain, except for that one time their owners went up to the wine country in Northern California. It’s truly wonderful up there, you know.
However, despite their incredible capability and popularity, Range Rovers are all afflicted with one fatal flaw: they’re British made. If the Brits can’t even be trusted to keep a bunch of rowdy colonists under control, then how are they supposed to build a reliable SUV? The Rove’s plush seats and well-equipped interior will shroud you in luxury… that is, of course, until you sneeze and every electronic gizmo ceases to function as you plow along at 90 on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The Range Rover HSE is motivated by a 4.2 L BMW V8 which it shared with the 7 series of the same time period. It came equipped with a 5-speed automatic, and only an automatic, because shifting gears by hand should be left to the uncultured swine. I would quote power figures but frankly, they’re irrelevant. The most they’re ever used for is getting up to well above the legal speed limit in the left lane in a reasonable amount of time.
To see the Cars.com ad for this car, click here.
Which upper crust utility vehicle would you choose? Let us know in the poll below!
The Common Gearhead 